Kansas Couple Sets Back the Midwest Decades

I grew up in the Midwest and I thought it was okay: friendly folks, laid back atmosphere, uh...sledding. But has anyone else seen the movie Gummo? This movie came out shortly before I moved to California. While a tragically humorous depiction of some aspects of my childhood, it forced me to answer many embarrassing questions from my new found left-coast friends. These included whether I tortured small animals, lost my virginity to an autistic prostitute, and ate dinner in the bathtub. It was all well and good at the time, and us Midwestern folks had shaken this sordid image...until this bombshell gets dropped this morning about a woman stuck on the toilet for two years in Kansas:

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,"' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."
The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

The idea of a woman having her skin entangled into the toilet like a tree root growing around a fencepost is enough to lose your lunch. I can't determine whether this is just a case of serious domestic abuse or serious dementia. Either way it is very disturbing. Anyhoo, I've got my alibi set, in case anyone asks a similar question. I was once on a toilet for a long period of time, but it was because I was wasted on Mickey's, not because I was stone-cold batshit.

Gummo: They finally told my life story!