I know you don't like me, Sea Turtle. I can tell not only because of that look plastered across your face, but because you sent me that report card that had "Needs Improvement" marked all the way down the list. Well, guess what, Sea Turtle? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING GREAT EITHER. All you do is live underwater where you can't breathe and then come to my beach and bury your eggs all over the place. No one thinks you're better than a tortoise, Sea Turtle, so stop thinking you can judge everyone just because I followed you around the tank at the aquarium for an hour and a half.
Yes, perhaps at one point I may have said something to the effect of, "If only a sea turtle would like me, I could be happy," possibly during a deposition. And it's possible I wanted to have flippers like yours, but knowing how much of a dick I would turn into, I think I'm going to ride this opposable thumb thing out. You see, Turtle (pun intended, fucker), I like my life. Could I change a few things? Sure. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let a sea turtle come over here and tell me how to go about doing it.
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