It is a sad day for America, people. Yesterday, at approximately 6:66 in the morning (coincidence?), a baby panda was born at the San Diego Zoo. You can see the video here, but be warned IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. For those of you who cannot bear to click through, I have gotten John Hurt and Ridley Scott together to recreate the birth in this much less terrifying photo.
At this point, the baby panda has no fur, chirps like a velociraptor, and is the size of a stick of butter. But remember people: Osama Bin Laden was once the size of a stick of butter (when I molded a stick of butter into the shape of Osama Bin Laden). Pretty soon they turn into this. And then this. AND THEN THIS. And then this. Before finally, they start spreading out all over the world.
That's how this is all going to play out. So mark my words. Now is the time to rise up against this threat. Meg Sutherland-Smith, if you have any human left in you and you aren't entirely in the pocket of Big Panda, please, I beg you, make sure you raise this panda right, to respect our common decency and keep it humble. Show it this website. Buy it my book.
Actually, it might be better if you just sent it to me to raise. I can introduce it to my gorilla. Wait, never mind. Probably a bad idea.
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