>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<< 
Hey buddy, I know the San Francisco zoo where you were born was very excited, and you got some national attention. I bet people even told you you had potential. I have to admit, I even almost fell for it. But you were born two weeks ago, and it's over now, I've moved on. I'm sure you're bummed, but they are trying to take a picture of your mom's torso. GET OUT OF THE FRAME, BABY GIRAFFE. I know what it's like. I was a baby once, and you really do get everything handed to you. I didn't even have to go to the bathroom to relieve myself! But the news cycle is a cruel mistress, and let's face it, there are other babies out there to photograph.
Hey, don't be so sad, maybe in a little while you'll come up with, like, a really cool dance trend, or the cure for cancer. Oh wait. I forgot. You're a fucking giraffe. Oh well, at least you can reach those high leaves. You'll make it somehow, Baby Giraffe. Now stop looking at me like that.
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