Regular legs aren't good enough for this cocky asshole

What ever happened to the time when being well proportioned was enough for everyone? You know, Secretary Bird, it's pretty easy to prance around on regular rooster legs, I've seen it done quite a bit. But were they good enough for you? No, you had to get GIANT FUCKING LEGS LIKE A GODDAMNED FLAMINGO. Well, you aren't a flamingo, Secretary Bird, you are just a regular bird that traded in its basic decency for a fucking gimmick. Apparently, it wasn't even good enough, because you had to get a shitty job (btw, it should be Assistant Bird, asshole, way to demean yourself). Since you are apparently so good at dictation, you should get ready to take a message: Dear Secretary Bird, comma. Fuck you, period. Sincerely, etc.